HUFFLEPUFF Archives - Heroine Training

Meeting 100 New People

I started a project to spend an hour with 100 New People.

I have not been so excited about a personal project in… I can’t remember the last time I was so excited about a personal project actually!

I love meeting new people.

I love having conversations with new people. I am excited by connecting with a fabulous new person. I founded the Heroine Training Tea Parties to make space for meeting new people, and for those people to connect with each other.

But I also get pre-social anxiety.

I worry about meeting a new person up until the moment they arrive. Once we start talking I have a great time, especially in a 1:1 environment. This joy of connection is not about being an introvert or extrovert; it’s about being human.

Rob’s 10K Friends

When I heard about Rob’s 10K Friends, I got so excited. Rob Lawless started a project to spend an hour with 10,000 new people. I read through his entire blog in a day, and became so inspired by his openness, trust, and daring.

I love the container of the project: a full hour with one other person is enough time to have an in-depth conversation without eating up too much of the day.

I decided to start my own project, on a smaller scale. Making this a ‘project’ is a great, non-threatening way to approach people I want to hang out and spend more time with.

Rob and I were both going to be in LA, so I messaged him to meet up. He would be my first new friend.

Even though I was itching to get started right away, I’m so glad that I waited for Rob to open Chapter 1, because he set the stage for the project and imparted his wisdom upon me.

Here, have a peek:

CHAPTER 1 / RED KEDS & AUTHENTICITY

Meeting 100 New People

Rob is meeting 10K new friends. I was number 1679. I am meeting 100 new friends. He is number 1.

When I asked him if he gets nervous meeting new people, he said, ‘I don’t anymore because I know what’s on the other side of the hour: connection.’

The key to connection: red keds (or, an electric tangerine coat) so they know who you are. After that, Authenticity + Trust.

Rob, thank you for inspiring my project, and for giving me guidance and hope in it.

🎶 “Banana Pancakes” / Jack Johnson

HOW WE MET / I found out about Rob’s project on Instagram via Grace Gordon and messaged him to meet up.

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I am documenting my #FriendsofXandra: 100 New People project on Facebook. If you know someone I should meet, please connect us 🙂

The Rules.

Before I started, I was most fixated on the logistics. What would the RULES be?

I take a photo with each person, and ask them to choose a song. I added the song because I knew I wanted to put my own spin on Rob’s project. As Rob and I walked in the direction of his next meetup, we chatted about how music is important to us, and how he’s focusing on learning guitar.

I write a little chapter remembering what was most memorable about the meetup. While Rob is a wizard at recounting each person’s life story, I am less chronological, focusing on the whimsical elements of connection that stayed with me afterwards.

FAQ’s.

Am I ever going to see these people again?

I have kept in touch with many of my New People, and have met up some of them again. And Julie (Chapter 9) borrowed some of my books, so I better see her again.

What about my existing friends?

Growing my personal community takes pressure off my existing friends to hang out with me all the time. I’m not relying on them to fill my Sims Social Bar.

Where do I find these people?

So far, I’ve mainly spent time with people I’d already met but hadn’t spent quality time with. This project is a great excuse to get to know them better.

I also asked my friends to introduce me to people I should meet.

(And if you’re reading this and want to meet up, or know someone I should meet, let me know!)

What if more than one person wants to meet at a time?

This was a big concern of mine, because the 1:1 part of the project appeals to me so much. I prefer to meet 1:1, but will make exceptions when it makes sense. For example, Chris (Chapter 5) and Alice (Chapter 6) invited me to their home in LA, so I allotted two hours to spend time with both of them (and their cat).

I’ve accepted also that sometimes I can meet new people and it doesn’t have to ‘count’. Steve and I have had a few neighbours over. Doing the project has made me more receptive – and excited! – to meet new people in general.

I remember a few years ago during a busy visit to Oxford, I was staying with a friend who suggested we do something together with one of her friend. I declined, because I was too tired. These days, I probably would have gone.

3 Things I’ve Learned from Meeting Rob and 10 Other New People:

1. Assume connection.

I have had a huge mindset shift towards people in general. Rob says that he has found connection with every single person he has met. That gives me so much hope. I used to worry a lot about the other person liking me or having a good time. When I approach my New Friends with trust in connection, I am no longer nervous about awkwardness.

2. Let there be pause.

Pause to process. I used to worry about the ticking clock, to fit everything into the space of an hour. Conversation and connection are still happening, even in pause. Sometimes especially in pause.

3. Ask questions.

No need for an index card of conversation topics or a go-to vault of ice breakers. If I don’t know what to say, I ask myself why. Often it’s because I’m confused. I challenge myself to ask for clarification. Sometimes I feel unintelligent asking for explanation of something I don’t understand, but I know that truly intelligent people are those who ask questions, who seek to further their knowledge.

And finally, a word about Hogwarts:

Going through my New friend chapters, I noticed that 6 friends revealed their Hogwarts houses to me: 2 Gryffindors, 2 Ravenclaws, and 2 Slytherins.

WHAT no Hufflepuffs? You’d think they’d be the most receptive to this type of thing! I posted on Facebook and all the Hufflepuffs came out of the woodwork. One new friend I’d already met was a Hufflepuff and just hadn’t shouted about it. Two more I’m planning to meet are also Hufflepuffs. [Meanwhile Shauna (Chapter 3) interrupted the thread with a string of snake emojis.]

Here’s what I find amazing: ALL witches and wizards are up for meeting new people. It’s not a personality thing. It’s a people thing.

Xandra

P.S. If you have the opportunity to spend an hour with Rob, you definitely should! You can find him on Instagram.

P.P.S. How to Socialise as an Introvert

Non-Traditional Anniversary Traditions

Writing our own traditions

I do love a celebration. I adore a tradition. When Steve and my first wedding anniversary approached, therefore, I took the ‘paper’ tradition very seriously.

We took ‘cotton’ seriously too, and got a little frustrated with having to stick to the prompt. And so we’ve scrapped ‘leather’, preferring to continue our own tradition – one that we’re super excited about.

The Paper Anniversary

For our first anniversary we took a road trip to the Isle of Skye. We bought each other presents around the traditional theme: I gave Steve a Q&A Journal that we still write in every morning at breakfast. He bought me a Highland Title, so technically I am an official Lady of Glencoe [I can actually have my name legally changed to Lady Alexandra Robinson-Burns. If I want. One day.].

Frankly, we did such a good job with this anniversary, we can’t really top it. Sure enough, when our Cotton Anniversary rolled around we decided to team up, and buy some nice tea towels for our kitchen.

We looked around for ages, finally settling on some that were ‘good enough’ around June, deciding that was the deadline for our May anniversary gift. Of course, since then, we keep finding really cute tea towels we wish we had instead.

We nest all the time anyway, and don’t need to be confined to the arbitrary rules of what material we should be buying next. What we really need right now are jars for our kitchen, and I’m not keen on leather jars.

We have finally come to terms with the fact that for us, exchanging cards and presents doesn’t feel special. It’s actually a bit stressful! So we decided to stop the agony.

Non-Traditional Anniversary Traditions

The Whisky Anniversary

On that trip to Skye, we toured the Talisker distillery, and brought home the first bottle in our whisky collection. Our new tradition is to have as many bottles of whisky in our collection as years we have been married.

We both love whisky, and especially while we’re living in Scotland, we enjoy sampling different single malts and identifying our collective favourites. Right now we have a Talisker 10-year and a Balvenie Doublewood 12-year, and have been discussing the perfect third bottle to add. A Jura or Laphroaig perhaps?

Whisky is our signature drink, that we always have available to serve guests. We also pour ourselves glasses at our monthly budget meetings, to make this stressful occasion more of a treat, and a celebration. We cheers to celebrate budget wins, such as completing a savings project or having money leftover from a trip.

We have purchased the past couple of bottles with the Waitrose vouchers we earn from our Partnership credit card – cheers to that!

Call everything a celebration.

Around the time of our anniversary, everything is ‘an anniversary celebration’. Or anniversary trip to Disneyland last year (which was really a ‘while we’re in California for Sister’s graduation’ trip. Shh…). Our anniversary tickets to see Wicked at the Playhouse (because that’s when it’s in town). When I arrive home from London on the train, Steve is cooking me ‘an anniversary dinner’. Why. Not.

We stretch this across the entire year actually, because we never had a honeymoon. We call everything a honeymoon. We went to Six Flags with Sister the day after our wedding, and that was our honeymoon. We went to Paris last winter, and that was a honeymoon too.

The Tea Anniversary

We also have too many anniversaries to keep up with. Our official ceremony was in May, our reception in September, and our together anniversary in November. We’ve enjoyed the Whisky anniversary so much that we added a Tea Anniversary in November.

We now have as many Tea Jars as years we have been together. When I’m shopping I’m like, eh, we deserve more tea, what’s another box. But it becomes clutter. Now it’s about choosing our six special teas.

We have a handwritten menu of teas available, because one day I decided it was easier than reciting all the types when we have guests over.

‘One day that’ll be a LOT of whisky!’

I love celebrating the significance of the number of years we have been together in a way that is very us.

The number grows. What happens when we are together for so long that we need a tea room and a whisky cellar? Well that’s a problem I’ll be happy to face.

Do you have any non-traditional traditions? I’d love to hear about them!

Xandra

P.S. Wedding Advice (I wish someone told me)

P.P.S. This week registration closes for the Rebel Heroine Retreat. Will I see you there?

Activism = Self Care

I remember the day I learned that everything is personal.

I remember sitting down with my dissertation supervisor to explain my thesis.

‘What have you chosen to write about?’ He asked.

‘Well, it’s a bit personal…’ I started.

‘All academic papers are personal,’ he answered.

Huh, thought I. I was writing about the healing power of immersive theatre, after a few months of living alone in London, and finding community and comfort in repeat performances of Punchdrunk’s The Drowned Man. The theatre saved me, and it must be saving others too.

I thought this was exceptionally personal. But my supervisor helped me see that everyone is led to write about what they do because it’s personal to them. And if something as theoretical as academics is personal, everything is personal.

I feel the same way about activism.

Doing good in the world is something that is relevant to each of us in different ways. Hosting meetings of The EdinBurrow (my community Harry Potter Alliance chapter) shows me how every time when we check in on ‘what matters to us’, world issues connect back to our lives.

Last month’s topic was ‘Beyond Black Panther: Representation in Film’. I have been passionate about this topic ever since I realised that growing up there were never characters who looked like me on tv (except Kiki from Kiki’s Delivery Service and the boys in Big Hero 6. They are both animated films, and the latter wasn’t released until 2014). I’m half-Korean, and there are very few Asians on screen, let alone half-Asians.

**And honestly: I probably would have pursued a career in musical theatre if Hamilton had happened sooner.**

As a kid, I didn’t know that a director told my mom I wasn’t cast as one of the Von Trapp children because ‘it wouldn’t look believable’.

As a teenager, the only roles for which I was considered in my high school’s productions were Chinese and Japanese.

I didn’t quite put this together until my senior year. I didn’t realise that this prejudice was at play, let alone know how to rebel against it.

These directors meant well. But the silence surrounding the issues is what hurt me the most. I wish we could have had an open conversation about casting and race, rather than a (white) director making the decision awkwardly and silently.

I didn’t know that this mattered to me.

As a senior in high school, I was on a focus group for Actors’ Shakespeare Project (my favourite theatre company in Boston, btw). I was asked whether I would be more interested in attending a production with an Asian woman in the cast.

I had never – ever – thought about this before, but I didn’t need any time to consider it. I was surprised by the instant and automatic answer that left my lips: “Yes!”

Of course I care most about the quality of the production and the acting rather than the background of the actor. But when the question was asked I realised that it was never something I had seen, or expected to see. But how freaking amazing it would be to feel connected in a way I had never experienced.

I could get frustrated and angry about being underrepresented and discriminated against.

And for many years I have been.

But I find it more productive to do something about it. Even a little bit. For the world, and for my wellbeing.

Every day, I challenge myself to make shifts on the way I talk about race and representation. Every opportunity, I challenge myself to further the conversation, and invite people in.

For me, deciding to do something – and identifying what that thing is – is self care.

Activism = Self Care.

I cry every time I watch the opening to the 2016 Tony Awards. Five little girls are onstage representing the five actresses nominated for Best Actress in a Musical. One of them looks like me as a kid.

“Don’t wonder if this could be you, it absolutely could be”, James Corden sang, as the lights dim on the kids and are replaced with the nominated actors, including Phillipa Soo, an Asian-American woman who not only played a leading role on Broadway, but that role was a white American historical figure.

I am so happy for the theatre kids growing up watching that performance on tv. I am so happy for the kids who look like me, and for those who don’t, but saw in that performance someone who looks like them.

But I am also numb with the reminder that as a society, when it comes to accepting and celebrating our differences, we have a long way to go. That Tony Awards performance happened the same day as the Orlando shooting at a gay nightclub.

The strength and grace with which so many individuals during that ceremony acknowledged the tragedy and their commitment to making change in the world is empowering.

A heroine speaks up about what she believes in.

A heroine is a conversation starter, and a listener.

Experiences give her strength, and adversary grows courage.

A heroine takes care of herself to take care of the world.

She also takes care of the world to care for herself, and to respect her past.

I would love to know: What matters to you? Have you ever had a moment when you realised that a personal issue was a political one, that you wanted to do something about?

P.S. One week left to enrol in the Rebel Heroine Retreat, a day of yoga, tea, and self development for courageous women.

Meet us in Edinburgh to rest deeply, prep for your personal kind of rebellion, and join our band of super-heroines.

10 spaces only. Registration closes 25 May.