• Start Here
  • About
    • About
    • Contact
    • Subscribe
    • Media Kit
  • All Essays
  • Podcasts
  • Patreon

Heroine Training™

live your story | be your own heroine

The Puppies in the Park

The Puppies in the Park

A Vignette

Dear Reader,

We live across the street from a park where lots of puppies play. That’s partly why we moved here, even though we didn’t have our doggie yet; we moved to a good neighbourhood for families. Dog families.

Now that Snug is here I call us a ‘Family Pack’ 🐺 – with a giggle, because it doubles as a wholesome American phrase for MORE SNACKS.

We used to count the puppies in the park, together or apart. ‘You’ve got to see this! FIVE puppies!’ Now we know their names.

Until the Next Chapter,

Xandra

P.S. Are there puppies in your park? If so how many?

HEROINE TRAINING IS NOW ON PATREON.

My writing is and always will be available for free. For as little as $1, you can become a Patron: support my writing, read secret stories behind my notebook pages, and more.

Become a Patron!

24 September, 2019Filed in: HUFFLEPUFF, Vignette

Just Lying on the Rug

Just Lying on the Rug

Dear Reader,

I get cranky when I’m not working. 

And yet, I’ve learned that I can’t work non-stop.

And yet, taking a break feels like this immensely privileged problem: UGH I can’t stand all this FREE TIME I have!

I’m starting to accept that I love my work. I can be grateful for that without apologising. It’s okay that I struggle with breaks. I always have. I hated Recess.

I’ve learned that rest is mandatory. If I don’t accept rest on my own terms, my body will shut down, unannounced. Actually, it does announce. It does warn me. I just don’t listen.

I’d like to start listening. 

As a teenager I was so distracted with busy-ness that I didn’t have time to notice my own depression. I had time for two things: work, and being burnt out. Blacked out on academic addiction. At university I’d had enough. I refused to carry on like this, so I did a radical thing each week: I took a day off.

I escaped to the mountains with the climbing club, or took the coach to London to fill up on theatre, galleries, and Camden Market. I left my work behind, physically, so I had no choice. I couldn’t work. On the sleepy ride home I’d feel more energised than ever, ready to face writing the next day.

I know that it’s necessary to take a break, but I still struggle to do it. 

I used to leave the city for the day, leave the books behind. But now we live in a home that I wish to reconcile with work. We have one room that serves as my study, our dining room, kitchen, and living room. I’m learning how to enjoy it as home, not just an office that I happen to live in.

Besides, I know that not working is good for my work. If all I do is write, I’ll just keep writing about writing.

On Saturday, I had a plan. I gave myself the morning for work, and the afternoon for ‘not work’.

I packed up my office, and entered the afternoon. At first I felt lost, like reaching the last page of a new favourite novel, wondering, Well now what do I do with myself?

‘The floor is nice,’ said Steve, who was lying on the rug with the dog. ‘Come join us on the floor.’ So I did. We just lay there, and in letting my body sink into the ground, I realised how tired I felt. Just lie on the rug. The puppy does this a lot, and seems to get a lot out of it.

Okay what next. I can do anything, I promised myself. Anything except work. Anything that doesn’t count as PROGRESS on my to-do list.

I scrubbed the front of the oven because I wanted to. It wasn’t on my list so technically it wasn’t something I could cross off.

I rearranged our plants.

I lay on the bed, listening to a podcast episode I’d started earlier when I was walking. I scrolled through Instagram, but noticed that I felt better when I just listened.

I spread out my collage supplies on the floor. Over years I’ve been pasting pictures over pages in an old notebook, repurposing it, saving images atop editorial scribbles.

It was getting dark. Rather than turn on the light, I brought a candle over to the floor.

Steve put on the kettle and asked what kind of tea I wanted. ‘A surprise!’ I said. He brought me Peach, and with the first sip, I was transported to Tuscany, where I had it last.

I found the page I’d bookmarked in Walden. I’ve been reading it slowly, and on this particular evening, it reminded me that daily life is enough. 

What should I write about what should I write about? I’d been spinning through this thought all week as I selected my next essay topic.

Thoreau was just sitting there, in his cabin in the woods, waiting for visitors, wondering who would bother to make the trek to see him. I was so entranced by his tellings of these still moments. Just waiting in the woods. A farmer wandered by. A poet came to visit. I laughed at Thoreau’s assertion that a poet could be counted on. ‘Nothing can deter a poet, for he is actuated by pure love’. The poet is up for the adventure, has the time, but also takes the time, makes the time.

In The Goddess Guide, Gisèle Scanlon asks artists to define ‘luxury’. Even though many of them work in the luxury industry, the common thread in their answers is not goods, but time: Luxury is time.

Same with the tv show Extraordinary Homes. I expected the houses to be grand and excessive, but it’s a surprisingly minimalist programme. With a focus on architecture, the structures complement nature, making home life less about doing and more about being, about taking time.

Not everyone has the time, but I do. I ought to enjoy it rather than simulate society’s expectations of the hustle, out of guilt for the privilege I have. 

Much of my lifestyle is good fortune, but some is choice. I chose to leave London, to live where I can wander more and commute less, to hop off the ladder of prestige the private schools prepared me to climb. Schools with charity drives each week, to bat away accusation of our advantages through bake sales.

Sometimes I struggle to accept rest when it’s unclear whether I’ve earned it.

But arguing with my privilege, feeling disgusted with it, is a waste of time. It helps no one, and exhausts me. When I am well-rested, when I care for myself, I can give more, and be more thoughtful about it. With rest I can understand exactly where I am in the present, privileges and all, and from there, I can do more, but more importantly, I can do better.

I’m still not sure what that looks like exactly, but I’m figuring it out, fully and slowly, rather than rushing to do something, anything just to look like I care.

‘Doing’ is satisfying in the short-term. 

I love a to-do list. Launching new projects lately has tapped me into that gamified fulfilment of quick rewards. But it’s temporary. I have to keep ‘doing’ to keep feeling that sensation. Or, I could slow down and feel something different. Writing an essay is ruminating, letting an idea swim around in my brain, camp out for a few days, or a couple weeks.

In what is now my collage book, I found some lists from years ago – we filled out that ‘Be/Do/Have’ exercise, where you brainstorm what you want, if you could be, do, or have anything. I’ve always found the Be part challenging. I don’t need to Be anyone. I just want to Be. I want to Be in my life, with enough space to enjoy its corners. To feel my life. Not just Do or Have, but Be, fully. Be in the present often enough to witness it. Just lying on the rug.

When I say to be your own heroine, what I mean is just be. Be your own heroine by being. 

I love a routine. It’s easy to get fixated on the list of steps, and forget the ritual. A routine is a cyclical, rhythmic way of Being. Habits are life on autopilot, but when we choose them intentionally, they are the best little parts of our lives.

I’m working on a different kind of habit. A habit of not working. Be more, do less. Making rest less about deserving it. Just lying on the rug. Doing nothing, and therefore being entirely. I’ll let you know where that takes me.

Until the next chapter,

Xandra

P.S. ​​I would love to hear your response (no advice, please). Do continue the conversation on Instagram, or Email.

HEROINE TRAINING IS NOW ON PATREON

My writing is and always will be available for free. For as little as $1, you can become a Patron: support my writing, read secret stories behind my notebook pages, and more. This week I’m sharing pages from my collage notebook, and some [embarrassing?] parts of this essay that didn’t make the final edit.

Become a Patron!

17 September, 2019Filed in: CHARACTER, HUFFLEPUFF

In Person

Dear Reader,

Something I’ve learned from my New People Project: Everyone is lovelier in person. Everyone. Even the bubbliest of textual communicators are EVEN MORE exuberant face to face. I’ve learned that there’s little point in dissecting the tone of a text. It’s only a placeholder for in person.

My Project: Spend an hour with 100 new people. Inspired by @robs10kfriends. I’ve met 33 people so far. If you’d like to meet up, especially if you’re in Edinburgh, get in touch!

Xandra

20 August, 2019Filed in: CHARACTER, HUFFLEPUFF

Taylor Swift

Dear Reader,

You may have noticed that I’m quite the fan of Taylor Swift. 

You may have noticed that I include one of her songs on every playlist I publish. That when I’m excited about something Swiftie-related, I post on Instagram first, and explain the relevance to my work later, in half-apology. Well, I’m not sorry anymore, and I’ll tell you why.

I believe that there is meaning in everything we enjoy for fun. Listening to Taylor Swift, reading Harry Potter, and watching Gossip Girl bring joy and also wisdom into my world. Taylor seems to agree; just look at how she talks about cats.

We also agree on a philosophy: of reading our lives like storybooks. 

‘I always look at albums as chapters in my life,’ Taylor said, making me want to write albums too. I envy the neatness of her art, each song perfected and presented as part of an era. We can line up the jewel cases, and select an old Taylor to visit today. Each collection of songs is not just an album but its own aesthetic, outfits included. Over the years, I’ve longed for an equivalent to this – my own personal boxed set of artful, curated archives.

Taylor announced recently that she’s publishing pages from her literal diaries. 

When she panned the camera across the stacks of her journals, I was a little relieved: the physical volumes are as mismatched as my own. I’ve been keeping a journal since age 11. The notebooks from my younger years are especially random, selected one by one at Barnes and Noble. Some are spiral-bound and sparkly, others a classic composition in black marble.

In a Gossip Girl episode, we get a glimpse of Blair’s diaries. They fit precisely in a fabulous trunk, identical leather-bounds in Tiffany’s blue. When I saw this I wished my journals could live up to this display, designed by props master.

I imagined a row of Taylor Swift’s diaries would look as Gossip Girl-worthy – as impossibly prim as her 2014 post-workout style. Taylor’s differing journals remind me that she is in fact human. The completed version of what she creates is stylised and edited, but behind it is raw material that doesn’t obey a particular colour palette.

In a magazine interview I was asked who or what inspires me. Without thinking, I blurted out ‘Taylor Swift!’.

I had a hard time narrowing it down to why. I scrambled for cohesion, wishing I’d said something that wove into my professional narrative with more ease. Why Taylor? There are so many reasons, but perhaps the most relevant to my writing is how seriously she takes her own craft. She’s a good writer, and beyond that, she is a good narrator.

A Taylor Swift song is like a portable experience we share. It carries emotion and assertiveness, telling the story of how something happened, and what we can take away from it. This process is hardly unique, but she gives importance to it, hinting at hidden meanings, and publishing original voice memos that evolved into full songs. She leaves the cabinet door open, inviting us into her Pensieve of assorted memories.

In my own work, I’m just as excited about my coffee-stained drafts as I am about my finished works. 

Taylor said, ‘I need to write songs or write something to process life’. So do I. Writing helps me figure things out, to make meaning in the vastness of my world. All this time, I’ve wished to write songs, but I already do, in a less literal way. My essays make their own sort of music. Like polaroids captioned in permanent marker, they preserve a particular moment. In essays, I choose which parts of my experience I wish to keep.

The same themes crop up in my words like choruses. 

In repetition, they stay alive, move forward, adapt new meaning as I move forward too. Like ‘Love Story’ appearing on every tour, the same core messages return to my writing, reimagined and dressed up, remixed, or acoustic. If you’ve heard it before, you can sing along with me when it comes up next time.

In the Forward to 1989, Taylor writes, in her own handwriting, ‘These songs were once about my life. They are now about yours’. Dear Reader, my wish is that my essays bring you the same familiarity and understanding that Taylor’s songs bring me.

I’m even more excited about the next chapter,

Xandra

P.S. Something even more like an album is coming soon. Subscribe to be the first to hear.

P.P.S. ​​I would love to hear your response, and what your favourite Taylor Swift song is. Please continue the conversation on Twitter, Instagram, or Email.

13 August, 2019Filed in: CHARACTER, CREATIVITY, HUFFLEPUFF, SLYTHERIN

In A Moment

In A Moment

Dear Reader,

Do you ever say ‘Give me two seconds!’ or ‘Just a minute!’?

These overpromising figures of speech ramp us into rush mode without our realising. I’m paying attention to the expressions I choose, especially those related to time.

Once at a diner I saw ‘Pie of the Moment’. Moment: What a magical word! How exact in its mysteriousness.

Until the Next Moment,

Xandra

✨

{Continue the conversation on Twitter, Instagram, or Email}.

6 August, 2019Filed in: HUFFLEPUFF, SIMPLICITY

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • …
  • 9
  • Next Page »
About Instagram All Essays
Contact Twitter

Copyright © 2019 · Xandra Robinson-Burns, Heroine Training™ · Site Design by Ready to Blog Designs

Copyright © 2019 · Heroine Training on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

We are using cookies to give you the best experience on our website.

You can find out more about which cookies we are using or switch them off in settings.

Heroine Training™
Powered by GDPR plugin
Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies so that we can provide you with the best user experience possible. Cookie information is stored in your browser and performs functions such as recognising you when you return to our website and helping our team to understand which sections of the website you find most interesting and useful.

Strictly Necessary Cookies

Strictly Necessary Cookie should be enabled at all times so that we can save your preferences for cookie settings.

If you disable this cookie, we will not be able to save your preferences. This means that every time you visit this website you will need to enable or disable cookies again.