Regrets from a Breakup


Jan 04 2022

Gold Tape
An Epilogue to my last Literary Cottage Log on the end of my marriage

Dear Reader,

I sighed a dramatic Leo sigh —

The annoying thing about a healthy breakup is that I can’t surrender to the rage of Olivia Rodrigo’s good 4 u. UGH!

I’m more okay than I imagined anyone could be, in the aftermath of an ended marriage. 

Perhaps because we were ready for this outcome months ago, before comprehending it as an option. That’s the hardest part for me: mourning the time spent holding on too long. Why didn’t I let myself get here sooner? All that time, trying to convince myself of a cottage dream that was never mine. But now I know.

Here’s what I’ve learned over the months, that brought me here:

I must listen to my own desires. I must express my imaginings, at the very least to myself. I must remove the idea of current constraints, and dream just for me, fully and first off. I’ve said this before, on a trip to New York: I must entertain the fantasy. Once my wishes are voiced or visualised, I can decide how they fit into my life. The truth is: if I can’t be my best self, I’m not that fun to be around anyway. 

When I realised I never wanted the literal, permanent cottage dream, I felt relief — and also embarrassment. Oh, how many months I’d spent pursuing something that wasn’t in my heart! It all had to happen, and now I am proud to have chronicled the journey in real time, still there for you to see. An example of a muted self, trying so hard to want something that wasn’t for her. 

I am raising my standards for dreaming. 

I am only pursuing what is a definite yes, right now. In the most liberating way, nothing has to be forever. And when I’m not drawn to a certain goal, I won’t scramble for a fake dream, or fall into my idea of someone else’s.  

Better to dream for a dream, to wish for a wish, than to pick something random that doesn’t exist. 

^ Hm. That sounds like it should be a song!

This month in Everyday Wonderland, we’ll practice raising our standards for dreaming. Our chapter title for January is Shoot for the Moon 🚀. The first postcard of the month arrives Sunday. Now is the best time to join. I hope to see you there, if it’s calling to your heart :) 

Until the Next Chapter,


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